The thick and hazy atmosphere my thoughts have been cruising through seemed riddled with doubt and fear. This has definitely been the lowest season of my short career. I can't help and see the mistakes I have made, but more I have had a cockpit view of my inability to rally back to a victory.
two things made this real to me this evening:
I went jogging around the track tonight, and my mind was running so much that I couldn't. Then, a thought hit me that freed up my legs, "What if you messed up really bad?" This feeling of hope that God wouldn't leave me, and He doesn't want to ditch me gave me more energy to run than I have had in such a long time.
Praise God! In my moments of lowest self-actualization, Christ has shown through and given me more love, more growth, and more peace than has been before. The tides rose, but God made mountains. I think there is a verse along those lines. Yeah, God gives grace to the humble. Also, He provides strength for tough times, almost more abundantly than in the good times. With this love and security, I have more strength than ever to pass my heart onto the Lord fully. He still knows my desires, but I have been freed to loosen my death grip on them. By the way, I hadn't run very consistently lately, and the last mile was 6:50, which was almost ran on all joy from the hope of love. Actually, Love turned into hope, hope turned into joy, and it all spilled out into running.
One note I would like to make: in Indonesia, in Portland, in this moment; I have not had the luxuries I am accustomed to. All I have is the Lord, and boy, that seems to make all the difference.
Also, I had this feeling that I should go outside tonight and spend time with Jesus. Well, i didn't follow that exactly. I ended up watching Mighty Ducks 3. As the Ducks win the final game, overcoming tragedy, Conway looks into the crowd and sees his old coach, Bombay high in the bleachers. A look of approval and joy flew from Bombay down to his surrogate son, Conway. Another epiphany hit me! (Wow, two in one night, that's great) That's how God is looking at me through His son Jesus Christ. He is not finding out ways to malign me, or trick me. He loves me. I believe the Bible would back that up, but to realize it is a whole new game. It was awesome. It was as if I saw God looking down on me, saying, "Go get 'em son, I am proud of you, and you are going doing great." What another awesome view of how God provides, and meets a heart that is crazy.
wave after wave of love seems to be breaking me down. The first few blows are bad, because you are in the process of drowning, but the next ones are pretty nice, because you are already dead.
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