The one thing I want seems to be the one thing I can't have...

The one thing I want seems to be the one thing I can't have. I am sick with myself. I have systematically proven that I can not do life well enough. The thoughts have plagued me. The ideas rot within. If it was in my power I would make it so, but its not, is it? How would you feel if you were asked to be wed half-heartily? Satan tried to ask Eve if God was still telling that old story about the tree. "Man!, I can't believe He is still holding back on you guys." A seed of doubt is planted, and as the maggot grows it rots the joy of simple faith in a loving dad. I can't simply force myself to walk this path; to couple my hands in another. I know that the wall of patience can not be scaled as much as I would pray to see it fall. I know that the destruction of the same would bring more pain than presently felt. I should rejoice to see the protection given to Abraham and Sarah, but I smile with a grimace of anger and frustration. Moments of hope fill the air when I think, "The answer will be found just over the hill. The next bend I round will hold the treasure I've long searched for, and oh, how thankful I am to have waited." If only I can settle down, get a job, serve the Lord well, and be a man. Then, I would have peace. Somehow I know that's a lie. Then, I begin to doubt the hope because I have no power to enact it or dictate its exactness. Even if I did, I wonder if the thankfullness of the present joy felt is just a tool I am employing to control the hand that gives?
Perhaps, I have not quite reached the bottom yet. I cry for help, hopelessly as an orphaned child, but I maintain my plea that He would give me she. I know He knows what is best, and I want to think that this is all a course on learning to walk by faith. At the end of the tunnel I will have my treasure. Oh, how filthy is my heart! What is my treasure, moth and rust or kingdom and joy? I am undone. Jesus, I want you. That's final. I hope that You will mold my heart to follow. The "request" pulls on the cloth of my heart, but I want to stop it before the dishes crash to the floor. You love me more than I do myself, and you know exactly what You are doing.


worse than you thought...more loved than you imagined,


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