A Wow night in a Ahh season!

The thick and hazy atmosphere my thoughts have been cruising through seemed riddled with doubt and fear. This has definitely been the lowest season of my short career. I can't help and see the mistakes I have made, but more I have had a cockpit view of my inability to rally back to a victory.


two things made this real to me this evening:


I went jogging around the track tonight, and my mind was running so much that I couldn't. Then, a thought hit me that freed up my legs, "What if you messed up really bad?" This feeling of hope that God wouldn't leave me, and He doesn't want to ditch me gave me more energy to run than I have had in such a long time.

Praise God! In my moments of lowest self-actualization, Christ has shown through and given me more love, more growth, and more peace than has been before. The tides rose, but God made mountains. I think there is a verse along those lines. Yeah, God gives grace to the humble. Also, He provides strength for tough times, almost more abundantly than in the good times. With this love and security, I have more strength than ever to pass my heart onto the Lord fully. He still knows my desires, but I have been freed to loosen my death grip on them. By the way, I hadn't run very consistently lately, and the last mile was 6:50, which was almost ran on all joy from the hope of love. Actually, Love turned into hope, hope turned into joy, and it all spilled out into running.

One note I would like to make: in Indonesia, in Portland, in this moment; I have not had the luxuries I am accustomed to. All I have is the Lord, and boy, that seems to make all the difference.

Also, I had this feeling that I should go outside tonight and spend time with Jesus. Well, i didn't follow that exactly. I ended up watching Mighty Ducks 3. As the Ducks win the final game, overcoming tragedy, Conway looks into the crowd and sees his old coach, Bombay high in the bleachers. A look of approval and joy flew from Bombay down to his surrogate son, Conway. Another epiphany hit me! (Wow, two in one night, that's great) That's how God is looking at me through His son Jesus Christ. He is not finding out ways to malign me, or trick me. He loves me. I believe the Bible would back that up, but to realize it is a whole new game. It was awesome. It was as if I saw God looking down on me, saying, "Go get 'em son, I am proud of you, and you are going doing great." What another awesome view of how God provides, and meets a heart that is crazy.

wave after wave of love seems to be breaking me down. The first few blows are bad, because you are in the process of drowning, but the next ones are pretty nice, because you are already dead.

The one thing I want seems to be the one thing I can't have...

The one thing I want seems to be the one thing I can't have. I am sick with myself. I have systematically proven that I can not do life well enough. The thoughts have plagued me. The ideas rot within. If it was in my power I would make it so, but its not, is it? How would you feel if you were asked to be wed half-heartily? Satan tried to ask Eve if God was still telling that old story about the tree. "Man!, I can't believe He is still holding back on you guys." A seed of doubt is planted, and as the maggot grows it rots the joy of simple faith in a loving dad. I can't simply force myself to walk this path; to couple my hands in another. I know that the wall of patience can not be scaled as much as I would pray to see it fall. I know that the destruction of the same would bring more pain than presently felt. I should rejoice to see the protection given to Abraham and Sarah, but I smile with a grimace of anger and frustration. Moments of hope fill the air when I think, "The answer will be found just over the hill. The next bend I round will hold the treasure I've long searched for, and oh, how thankful I am to have waited." If only I can settle down, get a job, serve the Lord well, and be a man. Then, I would have peace. Somehow I know that's a lie. Then, I begin to doubt the hope because I have no power to enact it or dictate its exactness. Even if I did, I wonder if the thankfullness of the present joy felt is just a tool I am employing to control the hand that gives?
Perhaps, I have not quite reached the bottom yet. I cry for help, hopelessly as an orphaned child, but I maintain my plea that He would give me she. I know He knows what is best, and I want to think that this is all a course on learning to walk by faith. At the end of the tunnel I will have my treasure. Oh, how filthy is my heart! What is my treasure, moth and rust or kingdom and joy? I am undone. Jesus, I want you. That's final. I hope that You will mold my heart to follow. The "request" pulls on the cloth of my heart, but I want to stop it before the dishes crash to the floor. You love me more than I do myself, and you know exactly what You are doing.


worse than you thought...more loved than you imagined,


e

blah blah

well...

I am in Forney, living with my mom and David. I have been looking for a job for a good while now, but don't imagine I will ever get one. I have two interviews tomorrow. Hopefully it all works out well. I went to c-stat. this weekend and it was an adventure. Not all I thought it was going to be. So much to figure out in life. Maybe right now I can just try to figure out the easy things, like get a job loser.